Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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