Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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