If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
