If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
