There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
