I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
