Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
