I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
