gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Randomize
