Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
