farters have to be the big spoon...
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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