I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
