He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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