he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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