I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
