Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
