thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
