So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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