when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
