The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
