His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
