I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
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you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
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I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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