I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
sarcasm needs its own font
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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