I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i wish my penis had a tongue
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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