with your own penis?
Just cropdusted the office
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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