apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
ugly people sure do ruin things
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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