actually, I'm a sock model
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Randomize
