PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
