If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
