I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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