If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
