I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
