Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
