Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
