your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
