i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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