o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
