If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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