She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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