Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
