My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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