I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
