My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
