I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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