I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
