I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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