I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
