Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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