I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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