we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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