i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
