allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
