Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
