There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
