i was rollin on her like bob the builder
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
