She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The air taste purple.
Randomize
