At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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