i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
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I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
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I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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