i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He shit in the fireplace
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
