Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
