she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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